Ode to 2017: The Year My Broken Places Built Me

 

Dear Diary,

Five years ago (2017) was a rather traumatic year for me. That year I felt stress like no other, that year I thought I would have died, that year grief took hold of me, that year the people who I thought would have been ride or die left, that year brought me to my knees.

2017 should have been the year when all should have gone right but instead went wrong. I started working out because that Christmas weight was not going to work off itself. I began to work on myself. To what extent though? I was trying my best to fix what was there on the outside, the parts that could show. You know, the parts everyone could see while the inside was broken, as broken as could be - shattered into pieces, lonely, unloved, scared, terrified - craving something...something from above?

2017 should have been the rebirth of me, my career, my marriage, and my other relationships. 2017 should have been a year of success. 2017 should have been…but…it wasn’t what I had expected. 2017 wasn’t what this organized person had mapped out for herself. Oh, baby, 2017 could have never been what she crafted up for herself.

2017, oh how I was locked in a bathroom, on top of the counter, trying to go through the wall like “Kitty” from X-men while my face got punched in by a fist that I thought would protect me. I felt my head leave my body only to collide with the said wall that I was trying to go through. But…I wasn’t Kitty and so, instead of going through the wall, my face like a punching bag took all the blows that I didn’t even know I could take.

2017 was the year I decided to call the police but I was too coward to go through with the call. Luckily, they heard me weeping in agony so they sent officers by to see if there was a brawl. 2017, was when I met some friends and as they shared their “me too” stories in a circle, I was too battered, abused, and ashamed to share. 2017 had me grieving on top of the grief with the death of my cousin. Oh 2017, what is wrong with you? Are you sending pain by the dozens?

2017 had me in the middle of nowhere, away from family and friends - left all alone with my pain and thoughts. Pushing through, putting a smile on my face while pretending all was well. 2017 had my closest relatives being upset with me because I did not express grief for my cousin the way they did. But how could I grieve “the way they wanted me to” at that point when I was almost stone cold? Was there any grief left within me? Grief had crippled me in ways my relatives couldn’t understand - but how could they have known? How could they have known that 2017 took me for a ride that I didn’t want to go on? How could they have known that 2017 did things to me against my will? How could they have known what I felt deep within? How could they have known when I didn’t even share a pin?

2017 pushed me to the edge where my health was deteriorating. Bladder infection, kidney infection, what could it be? Let her do a few MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, Ultrasound, and some blood work, maybe then we would see. Medications, physical therapy, massage therapy, oh please, help me! But nothing seemed to work, oh 2017.

2017 was a mess that I kept trying to clean up by myself. God’s hands were outstretched but I was blinded by the mess. I called myself a Christian but was I really though? Life dealt me a hard blow and I had everything to show. Fasting, praying, reading the scriptures, what are those 2017? My breakthrough was right there but I was too tired to walk through - sick and tired of being sick and tired, Lord help me make it through. I was so fixated on the storm that I failed to see God’s stretched-out arms.

Thank goodness I held on to the Lord in time before a tombstone was built for me. 2017 might have been big and mighty but as mighty as it could be, I’m glad I’m through with that test because God rescued me. God showed me my worth and now that test has become my testimony. 

Oh 2017, thank you for making me stronger than I ever could be.

Love,

Christian Girl