Abuse

Dear Diary,

I was abused both emotionally and physically. I know it may come as a shock to you but it is true. Before we go any further, I just wanted you to know that we are not here to host a pity party. We are here to encourage and be encouraged - my diary is a safe space; hence, why I love expressing myself here. Furthermore, I am not a victim, I am a victor; I am not a victim, I am more than a conqueror through him that loves me (Romans 8:37). I am sharing this because I always found that while going through my situation, I didn't meet or talk to a lot of people who I could resonate with. Some people who I spoke to would give some "whack" advice that didn't make any sense to me. I also met people who had experienced similar situations. They would explain what they went through, how they made it through, where they are currently (all while resting on God's word and His promises). Their stories gave me hope to know that whatever I am going through, like them, the God that I serve will get me through it because He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

For me, emotional abuse started when I was in my teenage years. Back then, I didn’t even know that there was a term for what was happening. What I did know was that I felt like an outcast, drained, burnt out, stressed and maybe even depressed. I was rather unhappy most of the time until it started affecting my health. If you didn’t know, I am here to tell you that stress can do a lot to your body, I mean a lot!! Anyways, I don’t think that I had developed a personal relationship with the Lord at the time so I just motivated myself to get out of the situation - or so I thought. Looking back, I can say that the Lord was carrying me because in no way shape or form could I have made it out of my situation if it wasn’t for His grace and mercies.

As I progressed over the years (adult years), it seemed as if I was attracting abusive people. Was I a magnet drawing those people to myself?? What in the world was happening?? I could never be attracting those negative, unhealthy behaviours; furthermore, why did I think I needed to settle for those behaviours? Well, maybe it was out of the name of friendship, love or soul ties (we will get into those in another entry). Emotional abuse for me at that point came in the form of name calling, character assassination, swearing, dismissiveness, threats, goading then blaming, denying abuse, silent treatment, shutting down of communication, gaslighting and the list goes on and on. This was prolonged to the point where I thought I was losing my mind. I would sit and wonder if they really did happen because my abuser would say that they didn't. My abuser was very convincing and he would also allude to the fact that he was so good at lying that he could even "sell ice to an Eskimo (we no longer use the word Eskimo)." How did I overlook that? Let me tell you something, I am no expert but I believe based on my experiences that emotional abuse is way worse than physical abuse. With physical abuse, the wounds may heal and the scars may go away but with emotional abuse, it takes a while for your mind to heal. I think this is because of how much those behaviours became embedded in your mind especially depending on the length of the abuse. Emotional abuse can make you feel like you are crazy, you are not needed, you are not worth it and there is no one out there that will treat you better. Don’t you dare believe that!! Those are the lies from the enemy. Are you not aware of the love of God towards you? Are you forgetting that God sent His only begotten son to die for you (John 3:16)?? You are worth it, you are needed and better is out there!! If you are also blaming yourself please don't - it is not your fault, it is/was never your fault. Please also remember that you do not need to stay in an abusive relationship (no matter the kind of relationship), you should find ways and means to get out or end such relationships. Yea, yea, yea!! I know it’s easier said than done, believe me, I know because I was in a very abusive relationship myself and it wasn't easy to let go off such relationship. I really can't say this enough, I got through all of that with God, not by my strength but God’s. I prayed, I cried, I read my bible, I worshiped, I listened to sermons - the closer I got to the Lord, the better I felt. His words were a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path (Psalm 119:105). By the way, they still are! His words also say, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28, NIV). Rest in the comforting arms of the Lord; I rested and I am still resting in His comforting arms. Also remember that Jesus was here on earth and He went through some of the things that we are going through. Therefore, if anyone should understand, it would be Him. Therefore, sit and have a "big man or big woman" conversation with Him. Tell him about your situation, express to Him how you are really feeling, talk to Him as if He is a friend sitting right next to you. He will always be there for you, He just wants you to reach out to him and hand everything over to Him.

Then came the big bang - the physical abuse!! Who gave you the right to put your hands on another person?? What in the world would make you think that is okay? For me, it happened once and I was told it would not happen again. Then it happened again and again and again...you get the point. By that time, I thought I had a lot at stake, maybe you have a lot at stake as well but do you think that God would want His children to be abused? We often sit and think that God wants us to remain in such relationships - well, that's what I thought at one point - I even thought I could "change" my abuser. We cannot change nor save anyone, only God has the power to do that. Also remember that "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17). I stand to be corrected but abuse is NOT a good gift; therefore, it is not of God. In John 10:10 the scripture states that, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]” (AMP). Listen, Jesus came so we may enjoy life and enjoy it in abundance. You cannot enjoy life if you are enduring abuse. Sometimes you can't even worship God the way you ought to because you are so stressed. Sometimes you can't even utter a word of prayer because you feel defeated. Sometimes you can't even get out of bed because you feel torn down and embarrassed. You may be alive but not really living; thus, you are not able to enjoy life the way God wants you to. That is the thief stealing and killing your joy, your happiness, your life! Get up, get out, run and speak out!! Let me just say this, for a very long time I didn’t say anything about my situation because I felt ashamed until I was told one day that it wasn’t my shame to carry. In fact, I was actually protecting my abuser and giving my abuser ammunition to do more damage.  Whoa, say what now? Yes, you read right! It was after a long time that I realized that it was really not my shame to carry; hence, I got up, spoke out and decided to put an end to that relationship (I spoke to people I could trust and professionals). Speaking about abuse is never easy, leaving is even harder. Sometimes people may also try to give their "two cents" without thinking about how their words may affect you especially when they had never been in a similar situation. Sometimes all a person needs is someone to listen; therefore, let us give a listening ear to those who need it. As I began speaking about my situation I started feeling better; the more I spoke, the better I felt - I was no longer alone with my thoughts and the abuse. Don’t let anybody steal, kill and destroy you - live your life with the Lord at the forefront guiding and directing all your steps. Live and enjoy your life in abundance.

Love yourself, respect yourself, know your worth!! Do it for you and trust and pray that the Lord will help you. Remember that He is also close to the broken hearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18). My heart was severely broken and my spirit was crushed to pieces. I cried out to the Lord because only Him could help - help me out of the depressed state that I had found myself in.  Even though I felt alone, alone with all the hurt and pain, I actually wasn’t. The Lord was there and He carried me through each phase of my situation. You are not alone even when you feel alone! Also, when you don’t feel like praying, please try and utter even a word. The Lord understands! Do not let the enemy win under any circumstance. Do not let him say “Yes, I have a hold of him/her because he/she cannot pray.” Pray in your mind, utter something, the Holy Spirit will help you. Romans 8:26-27 says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (NIV).

If you are an abuser please know that God can deliver you -  just reach out to Him, repent and believe. Always remember that the God that we serve can “do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us” (Eph. 3:20). For the abused...please hear me out here because what I am going to ask is not an easy task. Here goes, pray for your abuser because we do not know what they are going through or have gone through. If you have ever heard the saying, “hurt people, hurt people,” sometimes that is the case. Remember, “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). Also, please try your best to forgive yourself for enduring such behaviours and forgive the ones who hurt you. Before you come at me, I just wanted you to know that I am also speaking to myself. Yes, I am because forgiving someone who could hurt me that much is not easy. You know what though, if we don’t forgive, I don’t think it’s fair that we even ask for forgiveness. Oh, there is a verse that supports the idea, let’s read, “ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:15, NIV). There you go!! Now, let’s pray, forgive, love ourselves, remain in faith, stay encouraged and remember that you are not alone. Please also remember the Lord's promises below. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you" (Isaiah 43:2).

Love,

Christian Girl